Monday, November 08, 2010
I Just Realized...
That I've completely lost interest in doing anything. LOL O.k. I think I'm getting rather weird or maybe weird-er. I have a stack of projects started and none finished. I haven't picked up a pencil in almost a week. Motivation... need... motivation! Where is that going to come from?
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Faithless
Ok, I've been thinking about this for a long, long time. I live with a man who is atheist. I've been with him for 15+ years. In that time, I've listened to his arguments and facts about life. (over and over and over again... we are just animals and when we die, well, we'll just be dead) I tried to go back to church, really I did. In fact, I tried going to several different churches of various denominations. It's weird, but the only emotion I feel when I go there is sadness. Like, I've lost something I'll never have again. I cry a lot of the time if I go into a church service. It doesn't make me happy or fill me with joy.
I've also tried mediation, yoga, long walks in the park. I made rosaries for a while thinking that the process will help me return to faith. I donated over 100 rosaries to a charity for homeless people in New York City. Still, I feel the same, like there is no point to it.
I remember reading a bible quote once (can't tell you what book, etc.) that said something to the effect that you can lose your faith and regain it back, but there comes a point when your heart turns to stone and no amount of help is available for you. You are forever lost. This is how I feel. Forever lost. I rarely see the beauty of life anymore and prayer, well, it's just a bunch of words that fly into the air dispelled by the wind.
But, I don't want to be this way. I used to love to go to church. I can remember feeling the presence of God when I was there. Well, I can remember it happened, but I can't remember how it really felt. Was it really His presence or was it just a gathering of emotional people?
You see? I can't stop questioning now. Is it hopeless? Am I truly forever lost? How can I possibly become around full-circle back to God's home?
I've also tried mediation, yoga, long walks in the park. I made rosaries for a while thinking that the process will help me return to faith. I donated over 100 rosaries to a charity for homeless people in New York City. Still, I feel the same, like there is no point to it.
I remember reading a bible quote once (can't tell you what book, etc.) that said something to the effect that you can lose your faith and regain it back, but there comes a point when your heart turns to stone and no amount of help is available for you. You are forever lost. This is how I feel. Forever lost. I rarely see the beauty of life anymore and prayer, well, it's just a bunch of words that fly into the air dispelled by the wind.
But, I don't want to be this way. I used to love to go to church. I can remember feeling the presence of God when I was there. Well, I can remember it happened, but I can't remember how it really felt. Was it really His presence or was it just a gathering of emotional people?
You see? I can't stop questioning now. Is it hopeless? Am I truly forever lost? How can I possibly become around full-circle back to God's home?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)